New word needed

What's the word for this?

I find it remarkable that other languages have words for things that English does not. I commonly suffer from greng-jai. I have seen many a Backpfeifengesict. I often agnostically want to say, "Inshallah." How astonishing it is to realize these limits of mine, and in turn remember that I'm speaking a language that is alive.

I need a word for this feeling I get when I'm awake in the middle of the night and the other inhabitants of my home are sound asleep. My physical state is of course tired as hell. But my emotional state is blisteringly complex. At first, on the surface, I'm jealous. I'd sell my soul to be horizontal with my eyes closed. This is the negative side, like the pain of the Novocaine needle. Don't let it fool you. Jealousy, and a sliver of bitterness, are only a tiny fraction of the total emotion. As you sit with it, you start to smile. You know that your dearest loves are safe, secure, and restoring themselves for another day. Ahhh, gratitude. What else is in that silent smile?

You don't need housemates to feel this. I've felt it when waking for work really early or driving home from the airport at 3 am. It "sucks to be me" for a moment, but then the realization kicks in that people for hundreds of miles are sleeping in warm beds. Most people. The potential energy of it all humbles me. Is this why some people get up before the sun? To catch a few minutes of this feeling? It's hard not to fall into the flip side, the realization that some people aren't safe in their beds. I think about the refugees at our border, especially the babies without moms and moms without babies. Pull it back, Eve.

So I sit on the couch holding my sleeping angel, thanking my lucky stars, and building up the courage to put him in the bassinet with the care of Indiana Jones swapping sand for the Golden Idol. I penetrate the nuance between happy and content, between optimism and hope. I ponder what it might take to create a new word. For it to catch. And then, with good fortune, it's time to sleep again.

4 Random Rules

Thinking about it

I'm an analyzer. I experience any situation (self imposed, externally inflicted, big, small) and then... What went wrong? What went right? Maybe my unknown enneagram type or my rising sign explains this trait in me, but suffice to say it's there and it's not going away.

The cool thing is I sometimes learn a thing or two. Rules for success percolate. Four rules have sufficiently crystallized lately and here I share them with you.

1 - Relax your face

I had a yoga teacher once say in the course of a warrior two to, "relax that part of you which always seems tight." Knowing this teacher, I knew she was talking about her butt. I scanned my butt and nope, not tight. So what's tight in me? I did the common body scan starting at the top of my head, and as soon as I tried to relax my face, there it was.

Any time I feel stressed or can't sleep, I now relax my face and it feels so damn good. So needed. But maybe your butt is your face. Or your shoulders. Or your belly. But chances are, your face is tight. Relax it. I believe this will help reduce fine lines and wrinkles too. How could it not?

2 - Season dinner party and potluck food a little extra

Or a lot extra. Parties may be the time for your fat free Vietnamese salad, but that doesn't mean to skimp on the salt, or the sugar, or the acid, or the spice. Season that shit. Sautéing mushrooms for your veggie lasagna? Hoping it will be a crowd pleaser? Add that butter and salt. Caramelizing onions to serve with those homemade (well salted) burgers you made? Add that teaspoon of sugar. This is the time!

Whenever you're cooking for more than the usual crowd at home, which may joyfully be just yourself, pretend you're a restaurant chef and be liberal with the salt and butter. While you've grown accustomed to keeping things on the healthy side of palatable, as you should, break the rules for special occasions big and small.

3 - Leave happy kids alone

The other day my toddler was happily singing to herself and playing something weird. There was a present for her to open, a late holiday arrival from a distant friend. I thought about interrupting her and giving her this new treasure to unwrap, but I thought better of it. Leave happy kids alone. It's important for their development and ultimately, your sanity.

The other day my newborn was punching the air and sliding ever so downward in his swing. His blanket half covered his face and a sock had fallen off. He was safe. He wasn't crying. Who knows what he was thinking but did I mention he wasn't crying?!? Leave content, safe babies alone. I believe this rule applies to more than just kids, a la, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

4 - When you sleep, they "sleep"

This is a mantra that goes out to all the tired parents of newborns and infants out there. Provided you aren't inebriated, and provided your kid is perfectly safe, if you sleep, they will be "sleeping". Sure they may not really be sleeping. They may be chuffing in the crib, or hiccuping, or crying into their dad's ear, but repeat after me - when you sleep, they sleep. Relax your face, put a pillow over your head, and repeat the mantra. Once you're asleep you won't care if they are sleeping or not. Get your glorious sleep. You will wake when needed, I guarantee it.