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| What's the word for this? |
I find it remarkable that other languages have words for things that English does not. I commonly suffer from greng-jai. I have seen many a Backpfeifengesict. I often agnostically want to say, "Inshallah." How astonishing it is to realize these limits of mine, and in turn remember that I'm speaking a language that is alive.
I need a word for this feeling I get when I'm awake in the middle of the night and the other inhabitants of my home are sound asleep. My physical state is of course tired as hell. But my emotional state is blisteringly complex. At first, on the surface, I'm jealous. I'd sell my soul to be horizontal with my eyes closed. This is the negative side, like the pain of the Novocaine needle. Don't let it fool you. Jealousy, and a sliver of bitterness, are only a tiny fraction of the total emotion. As you sit with it, you start to smile. You know that your dearest loves are safe, secure, and restoring themselves for another day. Ahhh, gratitude. What else is in that silent smile?
You don't need housemates to feel this. I've felt it when waking for work really early or driving home from the airport at 3 am. It "sucks to be me" for a moment, but then the realization kicks in that people for hundreds of miles are sleeping in warm beds. Most people. The potential energy of it all humbles me. Is this why some people get up before the sun? To catch a few minutes of this feeling? It's hard not to fall into the flip side, the realization that some people aren't safe in their beds. I think about the refugees at our border, especially the babies without moms and moms without babies. Pull it back, Eve.
So I sit on the couch holding my sleeping angel, thanking my lucky stars, and building up the courage to put him in the bassinet with the care of Indiana Jones swapping sand for the Golden Idol. I penetrate the nuance between happy and content, between optimism and hope. I ponder what it might take to create a new word. For it to catch. And then, with good fortune, it's time to sleep again.
