Book bothered

Sometimes I read a book that makes me yearn for a book club.

I need to talk about Educated, by Tara Westover. I bought this for my mom last Christmas based on the rave reviews everywhere. My mom isn’t a gung-ho reader but I thought the semi-familiar subject matter (Difficult father? Check. Escape from a confining small town? Check.) and easy writing style might spark some interest. She read it, and then begged me to read it, as all good books should provoke one to beg. And now I beg you – have you read it? Can we talk? If so, please continue. If not, I warn you of spoilers and triggers galore ahead.

Books recently read and a couple on deck

We need to do something about Shawn. It sits horribly wrong with me that I, we, millions of us, have born witness to a man’s unchecked abuse. RIGHT NOW he is hurting his wife, or a niece. He is humiliating her, breaking her bones, scarring her psyche, making her fear for her life or for her next walk up the driveway. To think what his kids are witnessing. 

What what what can we do? We tell ourselves we can do nothing. We have no evidence that holds up. Heck, even the author, one of Shawn’s victims, crumbles with uncertainty. (Is she a survivor now? Has that term supplanted victim for her? It seems too soon to tell, education and all.)

How will we feel when he kills a woman? I’ll tell you. We’ll feel like we should have done something.

Imagine if this was sexual abuse instead of physical. We’d feel a bit more compelled to do something, no? But here comes the same excuse – we have no evidence!  However, like rape, domestic violence is a crime, even in Idaho. Oh the pain of knowing this is happening today, not just among the Westovers of Idaho but to so many others.

Maybe it’s epigenetic trauma that makes this material haunt me so closely. Maybe it’s the way it was conveyed. Whatever it is, I applaud Tara for getting it out there. I also want to shout at her so many times, SAY SOMETHING! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! STAND UP FOR HER! But this memoir teaches us to check our know-it-all privilege. It helps us to understand brainwashing, which is a challenging task for someone whose father gave her a “Question Authority” bumper sticker when she was eleven. Ultimately, I will recommend this book to others but with trigger warnings (which I somehow did not receive). 

Tara, I’ll stand by your side if you want to take down Shawn somehow. I’ll be your backup. I’ll be your witness. Will he kill me? Not if I leave Idaho fast enough. I don’t think he has it in him to leave his zone of unchallenged terror. Cowards rarely do.

Slipping

There's this phenomenon happening in my life right now that I have begun to summarize as 'slipping'. It starts with not yet scheduling your 6-month teeth-cleaning almost a year from your last one, and morphs until you cannot frikkin believe you have been putting-off living your best life and merely wading through the days.

You might say that one pillar of my belief system is The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is to always do your best, rain or shine - just knowing that your best is multidimensional and fluctuates from time to time.

I have not been doing my best lately. I used to be more on top of things. Wasn't I? Why am I not doing yoga? Unbelievable! Why didn't I make myself lunches for work last night? Did I just stare at a wall for 30 minutes? Where did the time go! What have I been doing?

Not my best. Not my worst....

I've decided I need to reframe what doing my best means in various contexts. I will be breaking down big tasks, like performing the duties of my paying job, into things I can get behind doing - such as creative thinking, scientific thinking, effective communication, and education.

Onward to defining what I aim to do, and doing my best in each moment. One tiny moment at a time...

The gift of play

Like any modern American, I find out when holidays are by Googling them.

My mother is the kind of person who likes to get gifts. To her, a gift shows you really care. Thoughtless gifts are almost worse than no gift at all. Almost. Among her five love languages, gifts rank supreme. This can be challenging, of course, for her husband and four kids because we don't necessarily feel that gifts should be so indicative of one's love. But she does, and she's my mom whom I love, so I've learned to oblige.

This year for Mother's day I'm getting my mom a book on crafting with kids. She is impressively crafty when the inspiration strikes. There's an artist in there - and an ever present teacher. Since she's the much beloved grandmother of five kids under the age of seven, now may be just the time for a creative nudge.

The universe had me read about Playful, and then Amazon suggested I might like a few more. Here are 4 books worth considering:

This cover makes me worry the book is a little more pretty/styled than practical/awesome.

Screen-free? Yes please! But by telling me there's a website, I waver on the purchase.

This book cover makes me think, GRRRRRRR LET'S PLAY!!!! (Ding Ding Ding?)

Not for crafting with kids necessarily, but this new book is receiving lots of praise.

Don't they look inspiring? I'm convinced anyone near kids would like this gift. Sure there are countless websites collecting kid craft ideas, but my mom is not one to dick around on the internet (she'd totally approve of the phrase "dick around" by the way). I want to flip through each of these in a bookstore to figure out which is best for her, but ugghhh, stores.

So tell me - what am I missing? Are there other books out there in this category that you can recommend? If so, tell me soon! This gift cannot be late.

P.S. Grandparents day is Sept. 13th, but please don't tell my mom about this. Without dicking around on the internet, she will never know.

Bonus link cause it's Friday!

Pictorial past and present

And now, some completely unedited pictures of things I've been looking at lately.

Most pictures taken to remember to write about them.

Here, a tease for what else I might say:

canvas bag painting with niece and nephew

following goddesses

the right book at the right time

farmers' market flowers

   

hot pink

this snuggle pants and new nailpolish

Figuring it out

I'm not sure about you, but 2013 was a pretty trying year for me. I started and ended the year in what feels like the exact same place. The same uncertain, unmolded, untidy place. Thirty-two at the start. Thirty-three at the end. Same exact place throughout.

Where was the growth? Did it happen? Has it materialized yet? 

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

It may interest you to know that Julia Child also asked herself these sorts of questions. From her book:

Discovering who we are. Figuring shit out. That's what I've been doing with my life. I'm on pace. Breathe. Keep going...

And remember - "It's all the same fucking day, man." ~ Janis Joplin approx.

Book club

Every time I read a good book - which are all the books I choose to read because I'm a vetting machine - a serious bout of narcissism comes over me. You need to read this book right now so that WE can talk about it. READ IT NOW. Do it for MEEEE.

You will benefit too, of course.

I'm pretty sure this is why book clubs start. My vision of book clubs is mingled with wine and cocktails and finger food. Doesn't that sound nice?

The last book that I got heavily righteous about was Dune. I know it became a classic long ago, but I just finally read it. AND YOU SHOULD TOO. Then come over and we'll talk about. Over finger food and booze.

Here is my cuteness protecting the sequel:

Root causes

Any gardener or conscious adult in general will tell you that if you pull weeds and don't quite pull out the root system, you'll be weeding again pretty soon.

Same goes for the psyche, no? Of course it does.

Ever get this unsettled feeling - something is wrong, I'm annoyed, something's not right, I'm nauseous, GRRRRR!!!! I want to scream or sink or set ablaze or hide in a hole - but why? What? I thought I had a handle on this, but something is still stressing me.

If you checked out my 2013 recommended reading list you may know of the following exercise from Tantra for the West (paraphrased):

1 - Ask yourself a simple question - What's really getting to me? (or similar)
2 - Immediately answer yourself, completely uncensored. Answer with that most unthinkable, unspeakable answer. Shame be damned.
3 - How do you feel? Did you tap into it? Do you feel lighter? If not, try again and again. Every time you try, thank yourself for trying.
4 - Eventually you'll hit it. You'll tap it. And you'll know. There's a chance you'll hate this answer - hate seeing yourself as someone capable of such rotting roots. But you'll feel pretty darn good. You'll be proud of yourself for your honesty.
5 - When you hit it, share your revelation with someone. Test it out. See how it feels.

(OK - This exercise is pretty deep in my brain. It's a part of how I now function. I wrote all that down from memory and the book says the same darn things.)

The first time I used this exercise I was needing to get deeper than the feeling of jealousy. Jealousy wasn't sickening me. Something else was. And I found it. And it was such a relief. The most recent time I used this was to help understand my need to reset, and I found it. Finding it didn't transform me like a magic wand, but it did enable me to move past the agony of obsession. It freed me, if you will. And it works for issues both big and small.

Welcome back, bulbs! Spring is here and these roots are good.

Wishing your psyche a good spring cleaning....

To nuzzle

Every day of every year I'm in a book. Sometimes they go fast, sometimes I put them down for a month, but there's always a book. Right now it's about the Bataan Death March.

The war (of the world, part 2) in the Pacific is mostly new to me, save Pearl Harbor. Sometimes I think I should have a coin to flip. One side says "Catholic school education" and the other side says "wasn't paying attention". Maybe there's a third side, "too horrific - blocked".

Somewhere in the middle of reading this I read a first hand account from a man enduring 25 years (and forever counting) of solitary confinement, and it opened my mind to a whole new level of torture. Before reading this I ignorantly thought I'd be pretty good at solitary confinement. I have mental fortitude. I experience sensory overload. I can daydream entire new worlds. Maybe I'd write that screenplay or those short stories. Maybe it'd be kinda nice for a while.

For a while, in comfort, with nature, maybe. In reality? Torture.

My sense that would most cry out in pain is touch. To never again hug a loved one. You know, those hugs that bear love and connection and meaning. Like a string connects your heart centers. To never again tumble a blade a grass between my fingers. To never again bury my face in someone or somecat's neck. To endure this day after day with no end.

Plush on plush

Unthinkable.

2013 Reading List

Hello and Happy New Year!

I've never much cared for New Years as a holiday because it seems so arbitrary. I'm sure there's a perfectly boring and distorted reason as to why our calendars run out between December and January, but I'm not interested. We could celebrate any day as New Orbit day.... but instead we have a yearly December 31st / January 1st party time. Because that's how calendars are cut.

A yearly time to reflect, and for most that means alcohol. 

Fuck that shit. I'm no dummy. You can't trick me into having a good time. Years go by...

But hot damn, life ain't long. From now on count me in for socially scanctioned party times. You want me to celebrate by roasting turkey and baking gingerbread cookies and lighting off fireworks? Fine by me. Give me my day off.

What have I become?

To make the new year an official thing I present us a reading list for 2013. I've already read these books but I'm going to read them again. I may write about these on Dots from time to time. I truly think these books carry something essential for everyone's spiritual literacy. 

So next time you're at a used bookstore, physical or virtual, keep an eye peeled for these two books. Then read them in 2013. Simple as that.

And best yet, reading these can actually change your life. Yes, just like that new slim body or that commitment to date night, reading two little books can actually change your life.

2013 Reading List:

Tantra for the West

The Four Agreements