How hell must smell

<< trigger warning for bad smells >>

I bet on the continuum of smelling power, I have a good one. Women often do (I happen to identify as female). Smelling is so useful! For example, I never accidentally eat food that has turned and I have a strong appreciation for beer. Win win! But imagine my agony when I'm stuck on a 2 hour bus ride next to a man with horrific body odor.

This man and I were 2 of many heading to the aiport after a weeklong conference - a conference that provided soap, showers, and towels mind you. Why didn't you shower, friendly man? Are you trying to get a solo row on your flight back to home? CAN YOU NOT SMELL YOURSELF???? I really think that must be it.

When pushed, I can see myself honestly saying to a man like this (a nice guy, probably well-meaning, perhaps a tad creepy) that the reason I'm covering my nose with my perfumed wrist and looking to change seats is that I smell a bad body odor coming from him. Then I'd move, close my eyes and daydream while my headphones blare my preferred travel tunes. I'd wake up to screams and a cold sensation as my throat now has a knife in it -- but I will live of course. This "New England Bus Attack" will cause a national stir, and a national debate. Did the cardigan-wearing young female deserve this for being so rude as to tell him he was offending her with his stench? Did she have every right to be honest? HE ASKED what was the matter. I'd be a hero to some and an idiot to others.

Why does my mind trail like this? I was having the most pleasant daydream of becoming the first female president with Eddie Vedder and Fiona Apple performing a duet at my inauguration when this man embarked upon my area to speak to someone across the aisle, waving his arms a lot as he talked, making me want to vomit and cry. Now all I can think of is are my clothes going to retain this smell until I can wash them? Are there other seats available? Can I be honest if he asks me what's the problem? I think I'm getting dizzy. Why such injustice in the world?

Ultimately I did survive this ordeal without passing out or puking. But I ask you, how is it possible that someone can put me through fetid hell, which I end up rolling with, and I feel like prissy bitch for having nasty thoughts? The basic truth is that I was on public transportation, so "my area" didn't exist. Unpredictable smells come with the ticket!

These are the problems of those of us without private jets. Note to self - buy private jet.