Learning to cook

I learned to cook by watching the Food Network during my junior year of college. Sure I had mastered Bisquick, grilled cheese, and tuna salad, but that was about it at the time. I had a 13 inch television, two twin mattresses pressed together on the floor of my room, and an absolute addiction to 30 Minute Meals.

Did I have so much as a hotplate? No. But I watched...

Rachael Ray drove me nuts will all her catch phrases and the way she said the same things all the time, every time she did that thing. I KNOW YOU ALWAYS ADD A PINCH OF NUTMEG TO YOUR DARK GREENS OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! Gotta make people say, "Hmmmm, what is that?" I KNOW IT'S GOD DAMN NUTMEG YOU'VE TOLD ME A MILLION TIMES!!!!!

Once I realized that she, like me, is a dork I began to love and appreciate Rachael. All that repetition taught me how to cook. I'm forever in her debt.

My favorite was always Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa. She still presents me with my dream kitchen, dream garden, dream ingredients, dream ease and dream blissfulness. I watched every episode of Food 911 starring Tyler Florence - how these "helpless" women would get him into their kitchens and flit and flutter and flirt with him was highly entertaining. "So that's how you open a can. I had no idea! You're so smart!" I still crave his Mediterranean pasta. Over on PBS (I think) I watched everything with Nigella Lawson I could find. I still want to make carbonara with her, then drink spicy hot chocolate and test drive new lipstick shades. Michael Chiarello always made things look easy and divine. I actually bought gray salt.

And recently my pasts collided in front of my On Demand face:

On her CA trip Ina spends time with Michael Chiarello and Tyler Florence.
How she flatters them when I know she already knows what they preach is so sweet.
Be still my heart, fairy godmother.

Nowadays I loathe so much of the non-educational programming on the Food Network. Restaurant Stakeout - are you fucking kidding me? Worst Chefs in America - get the hell out of here. Restaurant Impossible - kill me now.

Give me more Pioneer Woman and Giada and Ina. Give me back Michael and Nigella. Where's Ellie? Give me great cooks and chefs teaching me sexy sauces in the prime time. Go global. Steal Nadia from the Cooking Channel. Educate me. Inspire me.

And for fuck's sake FIRE GUY FIERI!!!!